A Box Full of Darkness

Depression will often make you believe that you want to die, when what you are really craving is to feel alive. There have been so many times over the years that I desperately wanted to put an end to my misery and I mistakenly thought that looked very much like suicide. I couldn’t find my way out of the darkness and pain I had fallen into—yet my overwhelming desire to end it all was a response to my inability to obtain life and joy from everything that used to bring me fulfillment.

I would gaze in bewilderment at the people around me, going about their everyday lives, and I would scream at them internally, “Don’t you feel it?! Don’t you feel the disaster of my existence, the utter annihilation of my very soul? How can you not stop and stare in shock and horror at the destruction of everything I once was?” I was bleeding out my very essence into the universe and yet no one had the slightest clue. They blithely kept on living while my life had come to a sudden and unexpected halt.

Being on the outside looking in engraved some of the most brutal lessons into my shattered soul. Mainly, how important it is to notice the people around you. Not just their outward appearance or the expressions painted on their face—but to really see the person underneath. Being forced to a complete stop in a world that constantly rushes forward at the speed of light showed me how often I would trample over people in my climb to the top—never once noticing or even caring if my actions hurt someone in my rush.

Learning the simple act of kindness came with a terribly steep cost and one I am loathe to ever have to learn again. But unexpectedly, I was also left with invaluable gifts that could not have been obtained in any other way than making my way through that darkness.

darkness

Author: ebonyandcrows

Hello and welcome to my page~ My name is Larisa--a very common Slavic name that was either derived from the Latin word hilaris, meaning "cheerful," or from the Greek city of Larissa, meaning "strong fortress." Born in Ukraine, I emigrated with my family to America when I was still a small child and now make my home in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Growing up immersed in two vastly differing cultures led me to have a burning curiosity about people all over the world. Stemming from said curiosity, I have fallen in love with traveling to other countries, meeting new people and delving into their culture, exploring new cities, and of course, dining on the local cuisine! If I cannot escape into a different country, then my next favorite method of adventure is to lose myself in a spectacular book. I enjoy books of all genres--from fiction and novels, to biographies and ethnographies. As long as it captures my fancy and holds me spellbound the entire time, I will burn through the book like a forest fire! Because of this penchant for reading and travel, coupled with my love of deep and mysterious things, I have been often called a dreamer and I find the title suits me. With that being said, I invite you to stay a while, perhaps make yourself a cup of tea and linger through my posts and feel free to comment or share a thought :-)

12 thoughts on “A Box Full of Darkness”

  1. Gosh, I remember feeling this way. Wondering how the world was oblivious to the pain and turmoil I felt deep inside. How everyone around me could be smiling and happy, but not care that I was crying in my soul and my heart was shattered… Anyways, I’ve learnt that all we need to make the universe whole and better is just a little drop of kindness, a little care and concern, a look at your new door neighbor, feeling empathy for a friend…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for sharing that, love 💕 It makes me wonder how many people are suffering on the inside that we truly don’t even know about. I bet it’s a lot more than we think. By the way, is Darazizi your given name?

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  2. I know exactly how you feel especially when I looked around and saw how happy people around me were. It hurt but I just told myself that if I didn’t tell my friends how much pain I was in, how did I expect them to help.

    i’m sorry that you are feeling this way. It’s awful but I’m happy you are seeing through the darkness. It’s really all that we can do. ❤

    P.S. You write beautifully.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you!! ♥️ You are absolutely right, we can’t get support or help from others if we don’t open up about our struggles. For too long, I kept it all inside because I was ashamed of what I was going through. Like it somehow didn’t make me normal anymore. But it’s been a long journey and I’m still learning from all of these experiences. It’s definitely teaching me to allow myself to be more vulnerable with people.

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  3. I have battled depression all my life, but at 67 I’ve learned God never leaves me–and when He brings me out of the valley or desert, He has an abundant harvest waiting for me to enjoy: fresh joy, stronger faith, a more intimate knowledge of Him and His love for me. Your writing is marvelous.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate it, my friend. I lost my faith in God when I couldn’t find my way out of the darkness, but I didn’t expect it to break my heart like it did. I hated the thought of not having God. So I started wrestling with Him and I’ve been wrestling ever since. I understand why God is silent so much of the time, even though I’ve not been very graceful about it so many times. Thank you for your beautiful comments.

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